Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Hello.
[00:00:02] Speaker B: You guys, stop.
Is it mom o' clock yet? I'm going crazy.
[00:00:08] Speaker A: Heck yeah. It's mom o' clock somewhere.
[00:00:18] Speaker B: This is how we should open it every episode.
[00:00:29] Speaker A: Welcome back. Bravo. Bravo. Thank you.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: She misses. She misses. Your big ass moved my mic, Corey. Sorry.
She misses dancing in front of a camera.
[00:00:39] Speaker A: I do.
[00:00:40] Speaker B: But now you're dancing in front of a camera.
[00:00:42] Speaker A: Yeah, I know exactly. I'm back where I belong.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:00:44] Speaker A: Anyway, so welcome back. That was our new intro.
[00:00:46] Speaker B: You're getting paid big bucks, so let
[00:00:48] Speaker A: us know if you liked it or not.
[00:00:51] Speaker B: I like.
[00:00:52] Speaker A: And we'll make some tweaks next time.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: I'll do it.
[00:00:54] Speaker A: My bun back here feels off.
[00:00:56] Speaker B: Bun. She put my hair in a claw clip. Is it a claw clip?
[00:01:00] Speaker A: Claw clip.
[00:01:01] Speaker B: Like I got a claw clip.
[00:01:03] Speaker A: I gotta fix this.
[00:01:04] Speaker B: I've never worn a claw clip a day in my life. But I'm in a hoodie and I'm comfy and I'm happy.
[00:01:10] Speaker A: So you comfy and you tight?
[00:01:12] Speaker B: I am.
[00:01:13] Speaker A: Alright, go ahead. I'm feeling a little insecure today.
[00:01:15] Speaker B: We're talking about our most unhinged moments. No, I know.
[00:01:20] Speaker A: We're literally not talking about that.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: Wait, can I tell you something?
[00:01:23] Speaker A: No.
I have a story to tell.
[00:01:26] Speaker B: I have a story to tell, but
[00:01:27] Speaker A: it's not about unhinged.
[00:01:28] Speaker B: Mine's pretty sexual.
[00:01:31] Speaker A: Oh, my God.
[00:01:33] Speaker B: It's just like, I have been with my husband for too long. You've been with me.
[00:01:36] Speaker A: I need to switch it up. We're starting off with this story. I'll tell my story and then we're getting into it. We have about 10 minutes. We've kicked out of this place.
[00:01:42] Speaker B: I just have to tell the story. I guess the world needs to know.
[00:01:45] Speaker A: The world needs to know. And I'm honestly afraid for what the world is gonna say. Back again.
[00:01:49] Speaker B: Okay, real quick. I was at my house with my husband. We were day drinking with our neighbors. My neighbor, coolest motherfucker out there, was like, oh, my God, we're all outside. Go upstairs, take your husband, have a quickie. I'm like, you'll guard. She's like, yeah, I'll guard. I'm like, okay. So she's outside with all the kids. I take my husband upstairs. Oh, let me just preface that. We. We're eating chicken fingers and honey mustard.
[00:02:14] Speaker A: Okay.
While we were day drinking. I'm nauseous before the story even starts.
[00:02:21] Speaker B: So we're going up. You know, it's fun. Happy day. Drunk. Yeah.
[00:02:24] Speaker A: Like in a good mood.
Yeah.
[00:02:26] Speaker B: It's like, you Got a buzz. You're fine. Okay. Go upstairs, get right into it. We know we don't have a lot of time. I just shaking. Just a huck toey quick spit in my hand.
It's honey mustard.
Oh.
[00:02:40] Speaker A: Oh, I don't know.
[00:02:41] Speaker B: Can't use my spit. Need to use yours.
[00:02:45] Speaker A: How do you.
How do you proceed?
You can't for the rest of your life.
You can't for the rest of your life.
[00:02:56] Speaker B: I know.
[00:02:57] Speaker A: You hocked a honey mustard. I slurped it back up.
[00:03:00] Speaker B: I know.
[00:03:01] Speaker A: Not only do people not hawk honey mustards, they throw that part away, Right?
[00:03:05] Speaker B: And I slurped it.
You know, in the moment, it's like, there's no moment.
[00:03:11] Speaker A: There's no moment.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: He still fucked me.
[00:03:14] Speaker A: I'm throwing up. So like honey mustard slob. Or like his saliva slob. Right.
[00:03:20] Speaker B: His was better, cleaner, lighter, clearer.
[00:03:24] Speaker A: Can I tell you that I am sick?
[00:03:28] Speaker B: I know.
[00:03:28] Speaker A: To my stomach. Thank God I bought pretzels.
[00:03:30] Speaker B: Thank God I just like, can't.
But I can't imagine that being a one night stand. Like, thank God it was.
[00:03:38] Speaker A: God, it's been 20 years.
[00:03:40] Speaker B: I mean, we were rolling. We were cracking up.
[00:03:42] Speaker A: You had. There's no other choice.
But I'm thinking, like when I stand. Like, there's no other choice but to laugh. You can't do anything else.
[00:03:48] Speaker B: No, it was just one of those things that.
[00:03:50] Speaker A: Tell me how much honey mustard.
[00:03:51] Speaker B: I mean, it was a.
Like, if it was not honey mustard, it would have been a good lube.
[00:03:56] Speaker A: I'm gonna puke and you won't ever see me again.
[00:04:00] Speaker B: Wait, wait. But more to that story. This was really quick. Like, so we did. So he bent me over really quickly doing doggie, and he told me that I had a puffy sticker on my foot.
[00:04:10] Speaker A: No.
Like, if there's 20 years of marriage. That's it right there. Right there. But he didn't take it off. He left it.
So honey mustard, slob kebab princess, popping sticker on the foot, bent over.
Can you imagine? I can imagine. I can't imagine. And I'm ill. We got it in,
[00:04:34] Speaker B: we got it out. And no kids came to school.
[00:04:38] Speaker A: Honey mustard, puffy stickers and I'm nauseated. I'm nauseated. I don't want you to ever tell that story ever again.
[00:04:44] Speaker B: Should we end?
[00:04:44] Speaker A: And that's the second time I've heard that story and I'm nauseated all over again. It's never gonna stop.
[00:04:50] Speaker B: It doesn't get much better than that.
[00:04:51] Speaker A: I don't know how to proceed. I know I'm gonna tell my story because it's like light hearted.
[00:04:55] Speaker B: Please.
[00:04:56] Speaker A: So get the image out, get the image out. And I love honey mustard too. And now I can never eat it again.
[00:05:01] Speaker B: I know. Imagine if it was hot sauce pasta.
[00:05:05] Speaker A: Can you kick her out of here? Someone call the cops.
[00:05:09] Speaker B: I mean like it's not so far fetched. Like imagine that happening to you. No, it wouldn't. No, it just wouldn't. You just wouldn't, wouldn't like. Because you would have swallowed your honey mustard.
[00:05:19] Speaker A: No, cuz I probably wouldn't have like took a bite of chicken finger and honey mustard right before I went upstairs.
[00:05:24] Speaker B: Right. Okay.
[00:05:25] Speaker A: Anyway, my story is like quick and easy. There's more to it, but I'm going to tell like the simpler version.
So my sister in law last week is hysterical and I'm like, what is the matter? She lost her ring, her engagement ring.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: Been there.
[00:05:38] Speaker A: Nice ass ring, I'll tell you that much.
[00:05:40] Speaker B: Wait, where were you guys?
[00:05:42] Speaker A: She was at work.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:05:44] Speaker A: Beautiful ring, like to die for. Like you lose that thing, you want to die in hell, she says, so he doesn't know what to do. She got the whole. She works for the mayor, she's a clerk. So she got the whole.
[00:05:56] Speaker B: She shut down the state.
[00:05:59] Speaker A: Like the mayor shut down. Okay? Everyone's on their hands and knees looking for this thing. She went to the chiropractor during lunch to get fixed up and she thought it happened there.
[00:06:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:09] Speaker A: But the chiropractor was like, I don't mean to sound weird, but I always admire your ring when you come and I noticed you didn't have it on.
So it was before the chiropractor. So now she's like, oh my God, this happened this morning.
This was like 3 o' clock in the afternoon where she realized it wasn't there. So that was like 10 o' clock this morning. And now she's like, oh my God, I must have lost it in the parking lot. It's gone. Someone took it or it's just gone. She had people from the chiropractor follow her to her office to try to help. Look, I'm telling you, hands and knees. The, the mayor and probably the President of the United States was on his hands and knees looking for this ring. No joke.
[00:06:40] Speaker B: But I mean the Parker House basement
[00:06:42] Speaker A: once and you found it.
Anyway, it's gone. She's like, I'm never finding it again. It's gone. And she accepted the fact that it was gone. She goes to the bathroom, she goes to pee. She hears her ring, falls out of her pants. No, the prongs got stuck to her underwear. Oh, my. You know when, like, you tuck your shirt in or something and you're.
[00:07:03] Speaker B: It got cut.
[00:07:03] Speaker A: Clipped. Yep. And it was hanging. Dangled on her for hours. For hours.
[00:07:09] Speaker B: Wow. She.
[00:07:10] Speaker A: I mean, imagine that feeling. You think your ring's gone, and all of a sudden it falls out of your pantyhose.
[00:07:13] Speaker B: That. But then it didn't land in the toilet.
[00:07:15] Speaker A: No. Thank God.
[00:07:16] Speaker B: That would have been a whole nother.
[00:07:17] Speaker A: Whole nother thing. But, I mean, it was, like, crazy. I. You can only tell someone tells a story. You feel it in your bones.
I felt so bad for her. She was telling me the story, so I knew it was a good ending. Or she probably wouldn't be telling me the story.
[00:07:28] Speaker B: Oh, man.
[00:07:29] Speaker A: She would probably be looking for her ring.
But no, it was so insane. I felt so bad. But she found it and she's happy.
[00:07:35] Speaker B: Thank God.
Thank God.
[00:07:37] Speaker A: So, anyway, let's get into this shit. We're talking about the most unhinged Google search we have in our Google search to date. Let's do it. What's yours?
[00:07:49] Speaker B: I mean, mine are pretty. Like, are we talking, like, as moms? Like, mom ones?
[00:07:53] Speaker A: Yeah, like a mom one. Oh, you can start with a mom one.
[00:07:56] Speaker B: Like, I've definitely Googled, like, can my kid get sick from licking that doorknob that they just.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: Oh, you have?
[00:08:01] Speaker B: Yeah. Because, like.
[00:08:01] Speaker A: Okay, so you're as bad as me.
[00:08:03] Speaker B: Bacteria is on a doorknob.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Too much.
[00:08:05] Speaker B: I mean, I don't give a. Like, they're gonna get sick, and that's fine. But I will Google it.
[00:08:09] Speaker A: You will Google it. Okay, that makes sense. That's, like, not that bad.
[00:08:12] Speaker B: Yeah. That's not the most craziest.
[00:08:13] Speaker A: Honestly, I don't really Google much about my son. Unless it's, like, the color of his poop.
[00:08:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:17] Speaker A: But I feel like that's normal.
[00:08:18] Speaker B: I feel like you do a lot of poops.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: I do. A lot of my. My entire Google search is poops.
[00:08:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:23] Speaker A: Pictures of poop, textures of poop. You're crazy with locations of poo.
It's all poop. But I think for me, like, yes, this was yesterday. This sweet potato fry tastes like cleaning product. Am I gonna die?
[00:08:37] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:08:38] Speaker A: Like, that's my Google. Like, those are my unhinged searches. People, like, to me, I think I'm the most unhinged. But then you talk to other people, and, like, their most unhinged is like.
[00:08:47] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean, my Baby.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: My. My baby took three breaths in a row during her sleep. She's gonna die. Yeah.
[00:08:54] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean it's all relative, right? But like, I mean, I have definitely Googled, like, I think I've talked about this in a previous episode where my daughter was going through a phase where she would hump her pillow to sleep. She's three years old. And I was like.
[00:09:07] Speaker A: So she would go to bed.
[00:09:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:09:09] Speaker A: And she would just like rub it or she would like hump it.
[00:09:12] Speaker B: It's more like of a hump.
[00:09:13] Speaker A: Show me.
[00:09:17] Speaker B: It's like a self soothing hump.
[00:09:18] Speaker A: And she was like, she was watching TV while she was doing it.
[00:09:20] Speaker B: She was like in her room, like in her room. Well, I made her go into her crib because it became a whole thing. Like it was.
I just couldn't watch anymore. It was like a train wreck.
[00:09:29] Speaker A: No, that is so.
[00:09:31] Speaker B: But like, I would, I would like ask Chad. I was like, is my daughter. What's wrong with her?
[00:09:34] Speaker A: Like, and they said what they just figured out and I feel they said
[00:09:38] Speaker B: it's like a self soothing thing and it's just a face. That's what they said.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: Is she done humping?
[00:09:43] Speaker B: She still does it. Like sometimes she's not done.
[00:09:46] Speaker A: She still humps.
[00:09:47] Speaker B: Yep. Yeah.
[00:09:48] Speaker A: So she goes in her crib and humps her pillow.
[00:09:51] Speaker B: Yeah, we.
[00:09:51] Speaker A: Yeah, there's nothing else to it.
[00:09:53] Speaker B: No, that's it.
[00:09:54] Speaker A: I would die.
[00:09:55] Speaker B: I know.
Yeah.
[00:09:57] Speaker A: What if she was like out somewhere?
[00:09:59] Speaker B: Well, no, no, she knows. She knows she can't do it unless now she's so.
[00:10:02] Speaker A: So see to me, I'm like, I just would ignore and just let.
[00:10:04] Speaker B: Yeah, well, that's what it's. It's whole. It says. It chat says to ignore the behavior.
[00:10:10] Speaker A: But do you tell her, like, you can't do this in public?
[00:10:11] Speaker B: Well, now I did because it was becoming a thing and she totally understands. Like, she doesn't do it in front of people, but. But like also it. I didn't want to make her embarrassed by it because.
[00:10:22] Speaker A: So hard. What do you say? So what did you say?
[00:10:23] Speaker B: So I said, yeah, if you want to do that, like you have to go up in your. In your room and go go night night. Like just go to bed.
[00:10:29] Speaker A: So. So when she walks upstairs, that's why she's going up there.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: I mean, yeah, but like it was worse. Like it's definitely getting better, but it was worse. It was like a fake face. Yeah.
[00:10:36] Speaker A: So what was the Google search? Why is my daughter humping?
[00:10:39] Speaker B: Yeah, why is my daughter humping her Pillow to sleep.
[00:10:41] Speaker A: Why is my baby doing this? Like I've never heard of that. So if that was the first time I've seen it, I would freak out, right?
[00:10:46] Speaker B: Oh yeah.
[00:10:46] Speaker A: And not so much with my son. Cuz he's like a crazy dude.
[00:10:50] Speaker B: Oh God.
[00:10:50] Speaker A: No, I, I don't either. Any two year old, any young. Okay, I take it back. But I'm saying like have you ever
[00:10:57] Speaker B: googled like, like I feel like boys with their penises.
[00:11:00] Speaker A: Like, yeah, like, I don't know, but like masculinity I feel like, but with a woman, like with a little girl, like, I don't know. I think it's way worse not, not to like pick sides. Not to be double standard. Yeah. Not double standards, but you know what I'm saying.
[00:11:12] Speaker B: No, I'm not.
[00:11:13] Speaker A: Like a penis is meant to thrust and so, so is a woman. But I'm saying like I will die
[00:11:22] Speaker B: on this hill we are meant to cross.
[00:11:24] Speaker A: I'm stopping, I'm stopping. I'm stopping. I'm just stopping. Can we continue?
[00:11:28] Speaker B: Yeah, continue.
I mean I've. I've. I've like googled like how to get slime out of hair. Like, okay, like stuff like that.
That's not crazy. What's unhinged? Like, oh, I have googled if my husband. So my husband will be like in a dead sleep. Like totally dead sleep. And then just start like touching me. But he's sleeping. No, I know he's dead ass sleeping. And I'm like, it could be anyone laying next to him. Would he also touch that person?
[00:11:56] Speaker A: That's fucking funny. What did you say?
[00:11:58] Speaker B: And they said yes.
[00:12:00] Speaker A: That is fucking so funny.
[00:12:02] Speaker B: Cheating. Cheater sleeper.
[00:12:05] Speaker A: That is actually the funniest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Like I swear to God, like people think I'm more in hinge because I think I talk about it more often. Like you're not talking about that out loud but like my, my Google searches are like poop, stomach aches.
[00:12:18] Speaker B: You're not that crazy sickness.
[00:12:20] Speaker A: And like it's. I'm not that crazy. Yeah, I'm like very chill.
[00:12:23] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean I think I googled one time like is my 5 year old turned on by my farts? Like because I was looking for something and he would like make like a weird face like, oh mommy. I'd be like, okay, I think this is turning into like a weird fetish thing that we need to stop right here.
[00:12:39] Speaker A: That's actually so. That's so fucking funny. Wait, you did not google. You said can my 5 year old be turned on by my phone?
What did Google say?
[00:12:58] Speaker B: Go to the hospital.
We don't have to ask right now. Cause I forget the answer.
[00:13:09] Speaker A: I can't breathe. I'm having a heart attack.
[00:13:11] Speaker B: I can't breathe.
[00:13:14] Speaker A: Wait, tell me right now. Tell me right now what Google says. I'm gonna freak out. I'm gonna freak out. Go.
[00:13:20] Speaker B: Can my 5 year old be turned on by my farts?
[00:13:26] Speaker A: Tell me. And we're ending it here. Cause I don't have anything else to say.
[00:13:30] Speaker B: If by turned on you mean sexually aroused, that would be very unlikely. A five year old might be fascinated by farts, think the smell is funny, want to smell them, or have a strong sensory reaction, but not in a sexual way.
[00:13:41] Speaker A: What if they are in a sexual way?
[00:13:46] Speaker B: And this now, wait.
[00:13:49] Speaker A: I. Sometimes. You ever think, like when you're googling something, you're like, someone's gonna. Someone's gonna come for me.
[00:13:53] Speaker B: I mean, I. Sometimes I think like if I die and someone goes through this search history.
[00:13:58] Speaker A: No, it's. It's bad. But not even that. Like, someone's gonna come for me.
[00:14:02] Speaker B: No, I know.
[00:14:03] Speaker A: I feel it. I'm telling you, like, I need to know people's most unhinged Google searches because I need to know that I'm not the most unhinged. Because right now you're more unhinged than I am.
[00:14:12] Speaker B: Honestly. Yeah. So please, share your stories.
[00:14:14] Speaker A: Tell us we don't feel like.
[00:14:15] Speaker B: We feel not so insy.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: Okay. We're clocking the fuck out because our Google searches are like, running dry here.
[00:14:22] Speaker B: Love you.
